WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
I think this cat is broken
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?