[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
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Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.