Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
#Caturday
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.