Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
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[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…