[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
You Might Also Like
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.