@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@tastefactory: Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I'm hunting you for sport
And soon you'll be dead
-a valentine from the Predator
@OfficialMizGin: I hate it when a guy pulls out a chair in front of me.
I’m never sure if he’s a gentleman or a chair thief.
@Peauxtassium: Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
@wickedsuga: alarm (noun)
-a device commonly used in the morning to invent new curse words.
@shanethevein: The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said "Not in front of the wife".