@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@brianbowman73: Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven't run out of receipt yet.
@jewfacekilla: Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
@MinedOvaMatter: If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don't have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
@Shock_Monster: HR: Let's talk about why you were late today.
Me: I told you!
HR: DRAGONS AREN'T "RELIABLE TRANSPORTATION!"
Me: Duh. That's why I was late.
@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you