[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
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moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Seems a bit forward
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I have so many questions.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*