@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@Probablyrad: Today's kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music
@SarahFemme: I got a free wallet and watch today. It's like this gun is magic.
@iwearaonesie: my brother turned 30 this weekend and i'll never forget what mom said when dad told her we're growing up too fast
"they're eating dog food"
@ReaIlyHighGuy: Dude, multiplication is like advanced adding.
@ilovepie84: When I smell weed coming from my neighbors house I call him pretending I'm the Mexican Cartel, and accuse him of stealing my drugs.