@mdob11: [waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how's it go-
Me: I'll take the stairs.
@MandiAtRandom: It's been 5 years now. I'm afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
@SGadea: He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that's how the fight got started.
@TheTweetOfGod: People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that's why.
@Where__wolf: A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign "NO HORSEPLAY"
He lowers his head
& sadly trots away
@teacup_giraffe: Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say "What's up, Chad?" & he'll be all "Whoa... How'd you know my name, bro?"