[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
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If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>