Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
…u ok Nintendo?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?