waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
🍛