Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
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If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
smh
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.