[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes