I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.