Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
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As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Sign of the day..
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”