We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@LisaMcAlister1: Waitress: "Hi, my nam-"
Me: "Vodka martini, please."
@WilliamRodgers: Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
@clarkekant: I can't stand it when people don't know the difference between your and you're. There so stupid.
@EliBraden: 71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.
@OreoSpeedwagon_: Adopt 25 cats and you'll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though.
-me as a therapist
@TheBoydP: Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it's the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.