WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Worst Native American name ever.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.