Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.