Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE