*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying