Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
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I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail