*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“What?”
– Jude
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.