*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
#winning
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.