DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
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Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.