[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
A fake ID that makes you younger
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber