Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL