In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
work smarter, not harder
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.