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@StevieKnip: *wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
@ibid78: After I undress you with my eyes I redress you with my eyes because it's still January so it's super cold out and I have considerate eyes.
@briangaar: Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith.
@sixfootcandy: (Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
@RealLucasNeff: Billionaire: I'd like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I've got some great ideas--
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.
@lilgapeach32: Who decided "have a happy period" was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? "Manslaughter is illegal" would've been more relevant.