*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*