*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
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What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…