I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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Does anything good ever escape from a lab
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
he’s doing your taxes
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
me linking you to my twitter
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.