@ThaJawn: *wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
@iamWillemDafoe: oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that size shouldn't matter so she went out shopping and bought my "boys room" a new 4 inch TV.
@junejuly12: Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
@WilliamRodgers: I'm not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you...
Anyone who's ever said "Oh it's because I'm a Virgo."
@dubstep4dads: man...im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
"you could what?"
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich