@ThaJawn: *wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
@carlyken: How To Tell A Girl Is Mad:
1. She tells you she's mad
2. She tells you she's not mad
3. She sets your stuff on fire
4. She sets you on fire
@LizHackett: God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked "Earth". The avocado drops out of his sandwich.
@KevinFarzad: I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
@TheMichaelRock: News: Don't panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don't panic though.
@jwoodham: Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"