HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
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The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.