@ThaJawn: *wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
@KalvinMacleod: WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
@littlelady899: But were you called "dream wife" on the internet today?
Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.
@EliTerry: It's kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
@rickkondell: It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.
@shopkins776: *hand grenades*
My Google search history yesterday after I found a spider.