@ThaJawn: *wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
"How long have I got?"
"Not long. Two, three months"
[casually places apple on desk]
"Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!"
@kyry5: One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
@marsmaIlow: excuse me
@LindaInDisguise: The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
@TheBeerGuy73: *smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*