@ThaJawn: *wakes up from surgery
How did it go?
Surgeon: Good, your nose only lit up twice
@arielleBigBlue: If I could, I would avoid every conversation by making that beeping truck sound while slowly backing away from people as they approach me.
@brunopieroni: How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
@AJEatsCake: Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
@jus4golf: 95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
@mikejanson2: Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I'll show myself out y'all