*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
any last words?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
lmfao come on
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”