*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
The French word for sex is croissant.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.