*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job