[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
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Ugh
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.