[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants