[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
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I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Sorry. Not sorry
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I want what they have
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
The USS B port
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]