*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
New comic up. “Ransom”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.