[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
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If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Every work call, he judges.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
S/o to @funTweeters .
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.