[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
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It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me