Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
this is the best day of my life
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.