°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?