Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You Might Also Like
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great