Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
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Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230