@FattMernandez: Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
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@WilliamRodgers: My buddy's PRETTY drunk... So I took the car key off of his keychain... He's been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
@CrazyExhaustion: 5yo: What's a cannibal? Me: A person that eats another person. 5yo's eyes widen in horror. Me: You said cannonball, didn't ya?
@djdarrellripley: Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems... Well, you've always got my number. Me: Yes, is it still 666?
@DanMentos: [first date] "so what do you do?" *thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I'm a hedge fund manager