@FattMernandez: Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
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@vineyille: "Food expiration dates are lies. It's all about control." My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. "I'm saving this for later."
@ShortWhiteNUgly: Me: I found a job! Mom: That's great! What is it? Me: debt collection! Mom:.... Me..... Mom:... Me: I think you know why I'm calling.
@BarryVonAwesome: Do you know who REALLY gets irony? Skydiving schools. Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate! *releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
@Milla_Jacobs: I wish I had trained flies that would fly into the mouths of people who chew with their mouths open