There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
lmao
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
fr
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*weighs self after shaving
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.