I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
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Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂