Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
at ease…shoulder.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit