Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
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(人__つ_つ
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.