Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Pringles
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.