Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.