@robdelaney: Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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@SCbchbum: Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
@awkwardphilippe: Wanna go out with me? Make an awkward face for yes. Name the entire periodic table for no.
@UnIxphysco: My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
@bromanconsul: LA girls say they want to go on "adventures" but when I pitch the idea of overthrowing the yakuza they clarify that they meant, like, hiking