Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
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“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source