Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib